tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87793814568635265912024-03-05T02:03:44.340-06:00Is It Love or Is It Addiction?Best selling author Dr. Brenda SchaefferBrenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-77090128172717167592014-01-24T11:53:00.000-06:002014-01-27T11:58:41.015-06:00Love and Health<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">With all the talk about health care and health care insurance in the news, we should add to the discussion the role love relationships play in health and disease. There is growing scientific evidence to back
up the claim that love is good for your emotional and physical well-being. <i> And</i><span style="font-size: small;">
there is growing scientific evidence that some of the things we pass off as
love are bad for your health, too.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">According to C. Norman Shealy, M.D. and
Caroline Myss, Ph.D., love of others and being loved are key factors in
improving the immune system, adding to life expectancy and creating overall
happiness. Their research shows that
even bad habits like overeating and smoking have less of an impact on those who
have loving support systems.<sup>11</sup><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">A research project conducted by James
House at the University of Michigan Research Center clearly demonstrated that
doing good deeds pays off. Those people
who did volunteer work on a regular basis and who interacted with others in a
caring and compassionate manner, dramatically increased life expectancy, and
overall vitality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">At Harvard University, a well known
experiment conducted by psychologist David McClelland found an increase in an
anti-body that helps ward off respiratory infections, immunoglobulin-A (IGA),
can be generated simply by watching a film of Mother Teresa working amongst
India’s sick and impoverished. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">People “in love” have fewer colds. The unconditional love that pet owners
receive from their animals helps lessen depression. In one study of Israeli men, high cholesterol
and high blood pressure were less important to health than the quality of love
in their marriages. Individuals who have close intimacy with others have higher
IGA antibodies and less serious illness. Children whose parents love them
unconditionally thrive, have good esteem and more zest for life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Emotional health is improved as well. Studies have shown over and over again that
caring about others induces feelings of warmth, calm, and happiness, which
significantly reduces depression. In
fact, a study by Allan Luks found that 90 percent of a group of volunteers
reported a “high” from their experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Love is the most cost-effective medical
insurance policy and the cheapest medicine there is. And there is no end to its supply. </span></i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> In fact, the more love you put out, the more
it generates. And it attracts love to
itself. It generates joy, happiness,
serenity, esteem, vibrancy, kindness, appreciation, respect, laughter,
generosity, tolerance, tenderness, open-mindedness, respect, care, affection,
goodness, service, appreciation, compassion, awe, wonder, bliss, trust… all of
which have been proven scientifically to be good for your health.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">It takes only one conscious act of love to
get the healing juices of love flowing.
And it does not even matter if the other person is conscious of your
conscious act. All that matters is the
willingness to put love out there. So do
it!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(11. Lama Surya Das, Awakening the Buddha Within, 225.)</span><span style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">This is an excerpt from <i><a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_ID=3&ParentCat=1" target="_blank">Love's Way</a></i> by Dr. Brenda Schaeffer</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEYcusocf4PUE3rZvPHHfiQz_P3obRjqkkGXuc3RBazFzM9pxWmKcjOqEQFHheYH67kDCWiZCVEnfeWLmR-85rOQllyrtt5c5TmdJOq1OH5kykaoJV-KF6EaozTB7QgzTAK1JdpPieTpFw/s1600/Loves+Way.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEYcusocf4PUE3rZvPHHfiQz_P3obRjqkkGXuc3RBazFzM9pxWmKcjOqEQFHheYH67kDCWiZCVEnfeWLmR-85rOQllyrtt5c5TmdJOq1OH5kykaoJV-KF6EaozTB7QgzTAK1JdpPieTpFw/s1600/Loves+Way.jpg" height="200" width="126" /></a></div>
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Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-77908635262091818002013-10-29T17:48:00.000-05:002013-10-30T11:00:45.824-05:00Compulsive Love: When Hooked on Intermittent Reinforcement<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Compulsive love is not unlike compulsive gambling. A notable highlight of a gambling addiction
is what is called intermittent reinforcement.
There are several ways to support the continuation of a certain
behavior. We can positively reinforce a
behavior by continuously acknowledging it.
For example, when a child gets a good grade, he gets praise. We can also reinforce a negative behavior by
consistently giving it attention.
Receiving attention only when you do something wrong, actually
encourages that behavior. Or, we can
limit a behavior by giving it a negative consequence. A "friends are off limits on Friday
nights if grades go down,” is an example.
If you change the way you stroke behaviors, the behaviors can be changed
somewhat readily. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The most challenging reinforcement of a behavior is intermittent. You never know when you will be rewarded or
punished. In gambling, for instance, you
might play for an hour and not win anything.
Then just as you play the last quarter, you get ten more. Now you are likely to stay and see if you can
win again. This is true of highly
addictive romantic relationships. You
may put in more than you receive and, just as you are about to end the
relationship, you are given just enough for you to feel hopeful about the
possibility. Thus you stay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Trent’s
Story<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He told me he had a serious love addiction
problem. He had given up on a dull
thirteen year marriage to begin a search for love. He could not imagine his life without
achieving it. He met Cassie, fell deeply
in love both romantically and sexually.
The problem seemed that she both wanted to be in and out of the
relationship and continued to give him “come close, go away” messages. He moved in with her and then was asked to
move out. He would be about ready to
face the pain of an ending and she would call and want to see him. He could not refuse in that she had become
the center of his universe. On one day he would know she was not able to meet
his needs and the next day he was the center of her world. As this intermittent reward pattern continued
he began to feel an internal desperation for her approval and felt more hooked
into the possibility that eventually she would want him all of the time. The
good times seemed to negate the bad times.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His emotions and his health were teetering
in response to her actions. It was as
though he had only one leg to his table—Cassie— and if it was not there he
would collapse. I encouraged him to
build a four legged table and that all of the legs be his. He needed to establish consistent reward
systems in many places, look for love internally, and even more important, heal
from a childhood that gave him a clear message that he was unwanted and
unlovable. Until he did so he would be
vulnerable to Cassie’s inability to know what she wanted and remain in
despair. He too, had a come close, go
away pattern to deal with. He did not
choose her by accident.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We cannot change others no matter how much
we love them. We can invite a partner to change through changing our self. That
is what Trent had to do. So what are the four legs of the table Trent had to
work on to stop empowering Cassie? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Find a
healthy support group such as LAA or SLAA 12 step group or form his own if he
couldn’t find one. He could not do this
alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Change
his thinking. Look at ways he
rationalized or defended staying or not confronting negative patterns or
beliefs about himself. Learn about compulsive or addictive love through reading.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Get
back into spiritual integrity. Compulsive
or addictive love pulled him out of balance and personal integrity. He had made Cassie his God. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. Work
through the psychodynamic or trauma that kept him replaying the same
relationship patterns over and over. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If the intermittent
reinforcement continues to pull at a person then it is time to let go of the
relationship and letting go of someone we want to love and love us back is one
of the most difficult tasks we encounter. But with the above in place it is
possible. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">From <i><a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&Product_ID=17" target="_blank">Is It Love or Is It Addictions -3rd edition</a></i></span></div>
Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-50902692770428623242013-04-16T16:29:00.000-05:002013-04-16T16:29:03.409-05:00Is Love Addiction Lethal?
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of the messages I convey in my book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Is It Love or Is It Addiction? </i>is that a major reason we need to
take seriously this relationship disorder—love addiction-- is because it can be
lethal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what you have been
watching on the news where you live, but on the local news in my area we have a
number of pending cases where a break up proved deadly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One father, distraught over his wife’s
leaving him, killed their three daughters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In another case being investigated, a husband is accused of murdering
his young wife because she was asking for a divorce and her body is yet to be
found.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess the message is don’t you
even think about leaving me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Homicide and suicide are not uncommon events in third degree
love addiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Third degree means in
the end someone winds up in prison or in a morgue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Less lethal third degree is doing something
crazy such as stalking a person. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Domestic abuse falls in this category too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, love addiction is not about love at
all. Psychologically it is about control and ownership; about self medicating
low esteem, depression, anxiety, fear and a myriad of other inflictions, by
becoming enmeshed with another person. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is about getting unmet needs fulfilled and trying to fix something broken
inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And of course this unhealthy
dependency on another is not in our conscious awareness.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There is no question
that an ending of a relationship is downright painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t need to be pathological to feel the
pain of letting go and even doing dumb things when an ending does happen . <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is normal for a person to initially want to
hang onto someone when they leave or threaten to leave you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if clinging doesn’t work, you get mad at
the person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those two responses are
instinctive, actually. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Research shows
that animals do the same thing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #231f20; mso-bidi-font-family: Minion-Regular;">Most animal infants
form a passionate attachment to their primary caregiver, usually their mother. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When separated from the caregiver, the infant
becomes anxious and then depressed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Biologically, this makes perfect sense— in the
wild, an infant animal is vulnerable and could easily become food for a
predator or die of hunger. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And human
infants couldn’t make it without a caretaker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yet we adult humans don’t need another to survive and act as if we do.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #231f20; mso-bidi-font-family: Minion-Regular;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: #231f20; mso-bidi-font-family: Minion-Regular;">It is human to want to have relationships and
when we have bonded with someone they actually find a place in the neurons and
synapses of our emotional brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
that person is no longer there, the brain gets disoriented and desperately
begins searching for the missing someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This overactive searching of our brain uses up our feel good chemicals
and can result in depression, loss of appetite, obsessing, and even physical
pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are now both a psychological
and neurological mess.</span> This is even more of a problem if a person
suffers from an undiagnosed or untreated<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>mental<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or emotional illness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #231f20; mso-bidi-font-family: Minion-Regular;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #231f20; font-family: "Minion-Regular","serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Minion-Regular;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But why is it some can
get through the grief without causing harm to self or to others and some do
harm?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #231f20; mso-bidi-font-family: Minion-Regular;">Although humans have sophisticated mechanisms to
control impulses, we also carry within us a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘fatal
reflex</i>’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A normal person may want to
cling or get mad at someone who leaves them but has the ability to control
those impulses and grieve the loss. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those
who harm, let the fatal reflex take over. The obsessed person goes on a primal
hunt in their mind or in reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He/she
wants to know what the lost person is up to, where they are going, and if there
is anyone else in the person’s life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Obsessing
about the one who has left them intensifies the pain of rejection, sexual
desire, territoriality, aggression, jealousy and a need to control. And if what
they discover is not to their liking and they cannot stop it, fatality occurs.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #231f20; mso-bidi-font-family: Minion-Regular;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">What are your thoughts?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">*More on this can be
found in chapter two and chapter six of third edition of<a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&Product_ID=17" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Is it Love or Is It Addiction?<o:p></o:p></i></a></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></i></div>
Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-15114268943345026192013-03-19T12:09:00.000-05:002013-03-19T12:16:48.683-05:00LOVE - Noun or Verb?<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><em>LOVE</em> - </span>A small word
for such a spacious and elusive phenomenon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Of all the mysteries that enchant us, love may be the one most sought
after.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love, of course is a huge topic
every day in my therapy practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Clients ask me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"How can I
love myself more?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"How can we
have a more loving relationship?" “Why do I want and fear love?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"How can I heal from this failed love affair?"
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Am I in love or am I in an
addiction?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When asked outright, “What is
love?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>many clients stop dead in their
tracks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though it seems to be something they
desire, they seem to have difficulty describing the very thing they are looking
for. “Well, I don’t really know, but I think I know what it is when it’s
there.” They often respond to me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love
may be the most haunting of life experiences and the most used word in the
world, but what in the world is it?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recently a student asked me if I considered love a noun or a
verb. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I posed the probability that it is
both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_ID=3&ParentCat=1" target="_blank">Love’s Way</a>,</i> I describe love as the ‘Big Something’, a measureable energy
that is as distinct as mental energy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is an amorphous, intangible state of being, a mysterious something we seem to
keep searching for. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a power. That
makes it a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">noun. </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But unless we do something with the energy of
love that is everywhere, including in us and around us, it goes idle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though love is not a relationship, it’s in
our human relationships we get to energize love or withhold it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is up to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We get to take the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">noun</i> love and make it a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">verb</i>.
Love put into action improves the immune system, increases life expectancy,
wards off colds, lessens depression, and creates zest in children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love is the cheapest medicine there is and
there is no end to its supply.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, I throw the question out to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you consider love a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">noun</i> or a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">verb</i> and why?</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-63664479949634892532013-02-06T15:21:00.001-06:002013-02-06T15:29:38.701-06:00Valentine's Day: Saying I Love You without Breaking the Bank<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Valentine’s Day is the one
day of the year dedicated to love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
as one first grade child was quoted as saying:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Love is that thing in the room at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, love is
bigger than presents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is that “big
something” we should be giving to loved ones all year long and get too busy to
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So how can we acknowledge those we
love on this special day?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Start the day by going to your heart and think of people in your life you love.</span></li>
<li><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Think of what about them you are grateful for.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Feel that gratitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is an expression of love.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From that feeling of gratitude, call or email them and express your gratitude.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those in your immediate life, make a special meal they would like, set the table, light the candles, put on the music, celebrate them. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P</span>ut work aside and offer your precious time doing something special of their choice. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Give them a hand made card.</span></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">And remember, giving is good
for our health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Research shows it
improves the immune system, conquers depression, and just plain feels
good!</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-68865493952053817822013-01-22T16:18:00.000-06:002013-02-06T15:09:29.462-06:00Creatures of Habit<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Did you ever find yourself saying or doing something
you promised yourself as a kid that you would never say or do when you grew up
because you did not like what you heard or saw?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You are not alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most everyone
I meet admits to it. People often find themselves out of the character they
hoped to become—a loving person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is
this so? The answer is both psychological and biological.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we were children we did not have strong
boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those developed only gradually
and in the meantime we absorbed words and actions into our psyche which of
course is housed in a body that is filled with memories and impressions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If your role-model dealt with stress by
having another drink or striking out in anger that is the nonverbal ‘how to’
lying quietly, and unconsciously I might add, in your psyche.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thus, in a similar situation you are apt to
do what was modeled. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is an example.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Rachel, at heart a loving person, came into therapy with
depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She disliked how she reacted
to her husband and children with criticism and anger when she was under stress.
Then, laden with guilt, she would use alcohol to self medicate. When I asked
her how her dad would handle the same problem she answered with “He did have
the same problem and he became an alcoholic and lashed out at his kids and wife.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I asked her how her mother might solve
the problem if she had it, she answered:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“She would get critical, withdraw and get depressed.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was not a coincidence that Rachel was spinning
her wheels in her relationships and gravitating towards addiction and a deeper
depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">aha’</i> moment came to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I
get it. I took myself as far as I could go. I did what I saw and heard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am in therapy to learn healthier solutions
to deal with life and relationship stress.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are things a person can do.<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Think of a relationship problem that keeps you stuck
or frustrated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Answer honestly:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"> a.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">If your mother had this same problem how might she
solve it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"> b.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">If your father had this same problem how might he
solve it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"> c.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Are their solutions healthy? <o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"> d.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">If unhealthy, did you follow in their footsteps? <o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. If you followed in someone’s
unhealthy footsteps, forgive yourself <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>as
it is what you knew.<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-list: Ignore;"></span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Find healthier role models or create your own.</span> <o:p></o:p></span></b>Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-53230884283988906992013-01-21T14:56:00.000-06:002013-01-21T14:56:12.898-06:00Is It Love or Is It Addiction 1 Day Workshop!<span class="userContent">Announcing: One Day Workshop Febraury 16th, 2013 9 - 5 in St. Louis Park "Is It Love or Is It Addiction". This workshop is based on my best selling book of the same name. For more information and to register, <a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&Product_ID=8" target="_blank">visit my website. </a> Please spread the word!</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/store/images/products/LoveAddiction-web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/store/images/products/LoveAddiction-web.jpg" /></a></div>
<span class="userContent"> </span>Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-18030670443183222292012-12-13T12:59:00.004-06:002012-12-13T12:59:56.175-06:00In Octoboer, I had the opportunity to present at a psychology congress in Santiago, Chile. While there, I was interviewed by "El Mercurio", their largest paper. To view, <a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/articles.htm" target="_blank">click here</a> and then select "El Mecurio" (note - article is in Spanish).<br />
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Also, here I am with a few of my colleagues that invited me to attend and present at the event.<br />
<br />
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Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-5209685226311463222012-10-17T12:41:00.000-05:002012-10-17T12:41:00.603-05:00Love and Limerence: The Nature of Being in Love<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">What is limerence?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">An involuntary state in which a person feels intense romantic desire for another person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A word coined by the late psychologist, Dorothy Tennov in 1977.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">What are some of the signs of early romance that can become addictive?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">obsessive thinking<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">craving or longing for reciprocation<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">fantasies of romance object reciprocating<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">moods shift from bliss to despair<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">shyness in presence of love object<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">thrives on hope and uncertainty<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">intensity of focus<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">amazing ability to show our virtues and see theirs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">heart palpitations, trembling, general weakness<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">10. looking for positive reinforcements and exaggerating the negative <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-67088447113093796092012-09-19T12:34:00.000-05:002012-09-19T12:34:00.053-05:00The Love Avoidant<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Love Addict seeks enmeshment with the love object but the Love Avoidant avoids being vulnerable to the love object. They are flip sides of the same coin and highly attracted to each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The love avoidant has many unmet needs and does not recognize needs until the love object moves away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They then feel desperate and do things to get the love addict back.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Characteristics of the Love Avoidant</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HAVE A PREDICTABLE CYCLE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>COME CLOSE/GO AWAY </span></span></span></div>
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<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;">Find needy people</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;">Are excited and seductive on the front side</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;">Get high from being adored or needed </span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;">Feel overwhelmed and controlled by the neediness </span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;">Begin to move away </span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;">Feel guilt</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;">Unconsciously feel needy</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;">Go back or find a new exciting relationship or activity</span></span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. USE DISTANCING TECHNIQUES</span></span></div>
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<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anger </span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">putting up a wall</span></div>
</li>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">silence or not responding</span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">false maturity </span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">looking for faults of others</span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">control and power play tactics</span></div>
</li>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. AVOID BEING KNOWN<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p></o:p><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keep things pleasant</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not have needs</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not say what upsets them</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keeping busy when partner is present</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keeping conversations light or minimal</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Avoid situations that might be conducive to emotional intimacy</span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LOOK FOR INTENSITY OUTSIDE OF THE RELATIONSHIP</span></span></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Addictions</span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Power</span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Money</span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Work</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Over-involvement in activities/hobbies</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">D</span>rama </span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AVOID INTIMACY/FEAR ABANDONMENT<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WORK TO KEEP THE STATUS QUO</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #999999;"></span>Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-26762591110208388332012-08-22T12:17:00.000-05:002012-08-22T12:17:00.147-05:00Mature and Immature Love Relationsips<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mature and Immature Love Relationships</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Love and relationship are not one and the same. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes a love relationship feels loving and other times it feels bad and we do not understand why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though there are many reasons behind love feeling bad, it is helpful to start by noting differences between mature and immature love relationships of all kinds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here are some common signs of each.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Immature love </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gives to get </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Fights<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to be right</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Attempts to control</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is judgmental and self righteous</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>mean or withholding</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">6.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tries to change or fix others</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">7.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Competes for one up position</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">8.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Defends bad behaviors</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">9.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Growth is stunted </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">10.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is insecure</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mature Love</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gives without conditions</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Appreciative and kind</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Shares power</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is flexible and open</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Supports individuality</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">6.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Resolves conflict sanely</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">7.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Safe to express feelings and needs</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">8.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Owns hurtful behaviors and makes amends</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">9.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is green and growing</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">10.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Has a high level of trust</span></div>
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Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-74146860324677049202012-06-22T14:25:00.000-05:002012-06-22T15:28:59.599-05:00What "Love" means in Iceland.....<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I recently returned from Iceland where I did a workshop on Love Addiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The people were gracious and very eager to learn more on the subject.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As always, I learn too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I encouraged the workshop participants <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to say “I love you” to all of the important people in their life—children, parents, siblings, friends, etc., I learned that in Iceland the word love has a heavy meaning and is reserved for a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When “I love you” is expressed it means a person is ready for a commitment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I care about you” is the phrase used for others.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thinking about the above, I realize that in our culture many people are stingy when it comes to saying “I love you” for fear it obligates them or makes them vulnerable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must not confuse the power of love with sentimentality or physical love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is far greater. Like food, it nourishes us and others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact it is the most cost-effective medical insurance there is and there is no end to its supply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been proven to strengthen the immune system, increase life expectancy, produce zestful children, and induce feelings of calm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there is increasing evidence that what we often pass off as love—Addictive Love—is bad for our health.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Is It Love or Is It Addiction?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>How do you know the difference?</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/" target="_blank">http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/</a>Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-22908340648413202532012-02-05T22:44:00.000-06:002012-02-06T21:24:27.178-06:00Love Addiction<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #a64d79;"><span class="font6" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">LOVE ADDICTION... </span><span class="font6sm" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">WHAT IS IT? WHO GETS IT? And WHY?</span><span class="font6" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;"> </span><span class="font6sm" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;"><br />by Brenda Schaefer</span></span><br />
<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /><br />Real love is not addiction nor is addiction love. Yet, because of the human condition, these two experiences seem to come together and result in the incredible pain and suffering we are witness to or experience directly. We are drawn to the chemical highs love, sex and romance produce. The neurochemistry of love can become a drug as difficult to give up as alcohol or cocaine. Words we often associate with addiction include obsessive, excessive, destructive, compulsive, habitual, attached, and dependent. And when you think about it, some of these words are also used to talk about love. And the similarities do not stop there.<br /><br />The love addict may understand intellectually that their behavior is self destructive, but physically and emotionally they are drawn into it over and over again. The number and variety of out of control behaviors when love is withdrawn are becoming legion in the daily news: “Young woman ends abusive love relationship and is brutally murdered.” “CEO charged with sexual harassment.” “Coach sued for child support by a former lover.” “Domestic abuse charges filed by wife of a professional sports star.” “Public official caught in scandalous affair.” How is it that we are simultaneously seeking wellness and love but descending into a well of violence and obsession?</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">What is love addiction?</span><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br />Love addiction is any unhealthy attachment to people, euphoria, romance or sex in an attempt to get needs met. Psychologically, love addiction is a reliance on someone external to the self in an attempt to heal past trauma, get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, solve problems, fill our loneliness and maintain balance. The paradox is that love addiction is an attempt to gain control of our lives, and in so doing; we go out of control by giving personal power to someone outside ourselves. Addictive love is an attempt to satisfy our developmental hunger for security, sensation, power, belonging, and meaning. Love addiction is very often associated with feelings of “never having enough” or “not being enough.” None of us got everything we needed in just the way we needed it in our developmental history. We literally walk around with holes in our psyche and look for others to fill those holes.<br /><br />No matter how it plays out, we unconsciously look to others to “fix” our fear, pain, and discomfort and tolerate or inflict abusive behaviors in the process. We use and abuse. This other can be any important person in our life that we unconsciously hook up with: a child, a parent, a friend, a boss, a spouse, and a lover. Or, as in romance or sexual compulsion, it can be someone we don’t even know personally. In sex addiction it can be a pornographic image. It can be as mild as a codependent relationship or as lethal as a fatal attraction.</span><br />
<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">Why love addiction is so common.</span><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br />At the base of love addiction is a violation of trust. We have all had them in some form or another. Because of the betrayal of trust we both want and yet fear closeness. Our fear is both biological and psychological and runs deep. Since we are meant to be in relationship we have no choice but to figure out a way to be involved with others. Love addiction is the answer. It is quite clever and often gets passed off as the real thing. Sometimes you have to look very closely to notice the difference. But we really do know in our hearts and in our soul’s when we have been fooled, are fooling our self or just plain fooling around.<br /><br />We do not become love addicts living in a vacuum. We live in a culture of image and ownership. We are measured by how good we look, how much we have, and if we have someone by our side that supports a good image. We have, sadly, been groomed to look outside ourselves for happiness and love. Our obsession with love pervades every aspect of popular culture from romance novels to rock and pop song lyrics, and even great works of fiction, poetry, drama and art. Our culture idealizes, dramatizes, and models a dependency that says we cannot live without another person, sex or romance. We become dependent almost unconsciously.<br /><br />Culture and psychology are not the only things directing us towards love addiction. When it comes to love we are neuro-chemically vulnerable. Biology provides us naturally with the three sensations of pleasure--arousal, fantasy, and satiation--as a way to experience life to its maximum. These three planes are controlled by hundreds of brain chemicals that we are only at the beginning stages of understanding. Without these chemicals we would not have the ability to appreciate our own human nature and the earthly gifts. PEA, for example, is a neuro-chemical that produces arousal states; it keeps us alert and motivates us to action. Discomfort states--including pain--are also identified by the presence of neuro-chemicals, and help us identify our normal human needs so we seek satiation. Chemically controlled feelings of satiation then tell us we have had enough and--hopefully--we stop and experience a feeling of physical balance. Eating until we are full is a good example. Still other chemicals are necessary to a rich fantasy life. We luxuriate in a future of pleasing options. We revel in a piece of art and feel great passion as we write a song. The biochemistry of this self-induced trance states allow us to deeply experience a sunset or envision our beloved.<br /><br />Contentment, creative passion, fear, and sexual excitation—each has a neurological analogue. Though these chemicals are meant to enhance our love life we can become dependent on these “feel good” chemicals and self medicate our ills with them.</span><br />
<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">Types of Love Addiction</span><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br />In my clinical practice I have found it important to distinguish between three types of love addiction: love, romance and sexual.</span><br />
<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">Love Addiction</span><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br />Love Addiction is nothing but a misguided dependency on others in an attempt to fulfill unmet developmental needs. We often choose people similar to those in the past who did not meet our needs hoping this time we will end up satisfied. But because they are similar or we view them as similar, we end up feeling dissatisfied once more. A key element in identifying dependent love is how we feel when the person disapproves of us, disagrees with us, moves away from us, or threatens us. An escalation of behaviors occurs when the love object threatens to leave us psychologically or physically. Dependent love is always self-serving. It survives on psychological myths: “I will take care of your fears and inadequacies so you will take care of mine.” “If you fail me, I will do whatever it takes to keep you around.” “But since I do not know how to be intimate or fear intimacy, I will allow only so much closeness or push you away.” On a psychological level love addiction makes perfect sense. Our attractions are psychological. If I believe men are never there when you need them most, I will find them. If I need a woman who won’t support me, I will find her. Dependent love addicts fear abandonment or betrayal. The most important thing is to be in a relationship or on the edge of a relationship. They often hang onto abusive relationships for fear of being alone. They may or may not have romantic or sexual feeling for the object of their attention and drama substitutes for intimacy. <strong><br /></strong></span><br />
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<tr><td nowrap="" valign="middle"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><strong>Quiz yourself.</strong> <a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_1.htm" style="color: black; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Love Addiction Quiz</strong></a></span></td><td></td></tr>
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<span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">Romance Addiction</span><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br />Romance Addiction refers to those experiences when the object of love is also a romantic object. This object/person can be a romantic partner or live only in the love addict’s fantasies. The “fix” may be an elaborate fantasy life not unlike the story line of a romance novel, or the euphoria of a new romance. In either case, the rush of intoxicating feelings experienced during the attraction stage of a romance—a state sometimes referred to as limerance—is the drug that can become a substitute for real intimacy. The pursuit of this high can become an addiction in itself. Often, it becomes a dramatic obsession that results in the stalking of the romantic love object by the obsessed person. The love addict seeks total immersion in the romantic relationship, real or imagined. Since the romance-driven high is dependent on the newness of the relationship or the presence of a person, romance addiction is often filled with victim/persecutor melodrama and sadomasochism. Bizarre acting-out behaviors are often a by-product of romance addiction. When the euphoria of new love wanes, the romance addict often moves on looking for a new romantic encounter with its high or obsessions. <strong><br /></strong></span><br />
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<tr><td nowrap="" valign="middle"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><strong>Quiz yourself.</strong> <a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_3.htm" style="color: black; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Romance Addiction Quiz</strong></a></span></td><td></td></tr>
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<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">Sex Addiction</span><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br />The power of sexual love is unequaled in human experience. In fact, sex may be the only experience that profoundly affects all three of the pleasure planes (arousal, satiation, and fantasy) in our neurochemistry. It has the potential to be the pièce de résistance among life experiences. It is easy to see, then, how sex can become an addict’s drug of choice.<br /><br />Sexual addiction is a sickness involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity that results in negative consequences. When obsessive-compulsive sexual behavior is left unattended, it causes distress and despair for the individual and his or her partner and family. Denial causes the sexual addict to distort reality, ignore the problem, blame others, and give numerous justifications for his or her out-of-control behavior. The addiction progresses until sex becomes the essential need, more important than family, work, or spiritual integrity.<br /><br />We live in a culture that promotes sex as the drug of choice. Perhaps the mounting negative social consequences of sexual compulsion will motivate society to take this problem more seriously. The cost of this addiction to our society is more than financial. The fabric of our spiritual, emotional, and relational lives is affected as well.<br /><br />Dependent love may or may not include a romantic or sexual component. When the object of love is, or has been, the romantic and sexual partner, the stakes run high. When a person’s object of dependent love is also the object of his or her romantic and sexual desires, he or she will experience intense behaviors when the object of love withdraws or threatens to withdraw.</span><br />
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<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /><br />Most, if not all relationships have elements of unhealthy dependency as well as healthy interdependency. The difficulty with love addiction, however, is that we cannot stop loving or relating! Nor should we! Therefore, we must learn what is love and what is addiction and build on the best aspects of our love life. Why get out of love addiction? The biggest reason is that it limits and stunts our growth as a human and spiritual being.</span><br />
<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;">Seven steps to getting out of love addiction:</span><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /><br />1. Believe that healthy love is possible.<br />2. Be willing to assess your love life honestly.<br />3. Accept that the only person you can change is you.<br />4. Connect the unhealthy aspects of your love life with your inner beliefs and past trauma.<br />5. Change your beliefs to those that encourage healthy love<br />6. Let go of fear.<br />7. Experience yourself as unconditional love and live it.<br /><br /><strong>Post Script:</strong> if you need help…do yourself a favor and get it!<br />In summary, obsessive, dependent, erotic love often is a misplaced attempt to achieve that fusion we so deeply desire. We want to end the feelings of isolation caused by our learned restraints against true intimacy. Aroused by the experience of love, one often is willing to suspend those restraints in order to merge with another. If the merger is dependent and immature, the result is love addiction. Life energy is directed on the pursuit of gratification rather than growth. If mature, the love will grow and expand. As Erich Fromm said, “This desire for interpersonal fusion is the most powerful striving in man. It is the most fundamental passion, it is the force which keeps the human race together . . .. Erotic love . . . is the craving for complete fusion. It is by its very nature exclusive and not universal.” Without agape, universal love of others, it remains narcissistic.<br /><br />Sex, love and romance are delightful aspects of our humanity. Some of the most powerful experiences relate to the meaning and beauty of love, sex and romance. They can be a sacred form of connecting or they can be an egoist’s attempt at self-fulfillment. It is the challenge of the day, is it not? From<em><strong> Is It Love or Is It Addiction?</strong></em> And<em><strong> Love’s Way</strong></em>.</span></div>
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<br />Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-81231703804375280242012-02-05T21:48:00.001-06:002012-02-06T20:36:35.030-06:00What is Love?<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;">Love. Of all the mysteries that enchant us, love may be the one most sought after. On earth we have elevated love in art and song and at other times used the word love in such a sloppy manner that it has come to mean almost everything and nothing at all. The word we use for the enormous power has been known to shape wars and history, create national scandals, justify crimes of passion, turn strong men and women into weaklings, and make fools out of kings. And perhaps because of these same things we are embarrassed by love. We blush when we talk about love, we feel weakened when in it, ashamed we have fallen, and reluctant to admit to it.<br /><br />But what is love, really? And what does it have to do with stress free living? Everything! Most of the issues I encounter daily as a psychotherapist can be downsized to the most over discussed, under experienced and misunderstood word in the human language, love. Clients ask me: "How can I love myself more?" "How can we have a more loving relationship?" "How can I heal from this failed love affair?" "If he loves me, why does he betray me with endless sexual affairs?" “Why am I afraid to love?” "Am I in love or am I in an addiction?” When I ask outright, “What is love?” clients stop dead in their tracks. Though desperate in their search for it, they have trouble defining that which they are looking for. The search for love too often results in loneliness, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, physical and emotional distress of all kinds.</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br />What I can tell you is that love is real. It is alive. I knew this as a child and I know it again now. To get to an understanding of what real love is we must first know what love is not. This is important because living in fictitious love means less time being in love. To be sure, love is not co-dependency, sex, or romance addiction. These are the illusions modeled to us to self medicate trauma, fear and fill our loneliness. Nor is love a mere feeling, behavior, thought, or biochemical response. It is not a role, it cannot be earned, learned or bought. It is not dependent on an object and it is not limited. And, love is not a relationship. You don’t have to tell someone who’s suffering from a relationship gone bad that relationship and love are not the same thing. Almost every relationship problem is a love disorder problem. Not that love is the problem, but because love has been lost or denied, twisted, distorted, perverted or betrayed.<br /><br />Love is a word that we have given to the enormous, passionate, alive, on fire power that is in us around us, above us and below us. In truth, we are in love already and we do not need an object of love to know that. Love is everywhere! There is no need to search for it. It is right at our fingertips and we need only plug into it. Love is home. Some say it runs the universe. Some call it God. Science is now confirming what the mystics and poets have been telling us all along. Love is the heartbeat of the universe, a resonance we can measure. An energy, there is no end to its supply. Love is free and available to all and everyone. Love does not care what you look like, what you believe, whether you are married or single or in a relationship at all. It couldn’t care less whether you are prince or pauper, sinner or saint. We are intended to be in service of love. And if you consider it, all human suffering results from denial or resistance to this responsibility.<br /><br />Love is power and in fact there is growing scientific evidence to back up the claim that love is good for your emotional and physical well-being. And there is growing scientific evidence that some of the things we pass off as love are bad for your health, too.<br /><br />According to C. Norman Shealy, M.D. and Caroline Myss, Ph.D., love of others and being loved are key factors in improving the immune system, adding to life expectancy and creating overall happiness. Their research shows that even bad habits like overeating and smoking have less of an impact on those who have loving support systems. A research project conducted by James House at the University of Michigan Research Center clearly demonstrated that doing good deeds pays off. Those people who did volunteer work on a regular basis and who interacted with others in a caring and compassionate manner, dramatically increased life expectancy, and overall vitality.<br /><br />At Harvard University, a well known experiment conducted by psychologist David McClelland found an increase in an anti-body that helps ward off respiratory infections, immunoglobulin-A (IGA), can be generated simply by watching a film of Mother Teresa working amongst India’s sick and impoverished.<br /><br />People “in love” have fewer colds. The unconditional love that pet owners receive from their animals helps lessen depression. In one study of Israeli men, high cholesterol and high blood pressure were less important to health than the quality of love in their marriages. Individuals who have close intimacy with others have higher IGA antibodies and less serious illness. Children whose parents love them unconditionally thrive, have good esteem and more zest for life.<br /><br />E motional health is improved as well. Studies have shown over and over again that caring about others induces feelings of warmth, calm, and happiness, which significantly reduces depression. In fact, a study by Allan Luks found that 90 percent of a group of volunteers reported a “high” from their experience.<br /><br />Love is the most cost-effective medical insurance policy and the cheapest medicine there is. And there is no end to its supply. In fact, the more love you put out, the more it generates. And it attracts love to itself. It generates joy, happiness, serenity, esteem, vibrancy, kindness, appreciation, respect, laughter, generosity, tolerance, tenderness, open-mindedness, respect, care, affection, goodness, service, appreciation, compassion, awe, wonder, bliss, trust… all of which have been proven scientifically to be good for your health.<br /><br />Love may be a transcendent mystery and a healing power that can reduce stress, but it is also a down to earth experience. Though love is not a relationship, relationships are the way we step love down to earth. Love is perfect. Humans are not. On some days it feels like a bad joke. We have the ability to know an elevated love yet we are trapped in wounded egos and bodies or distorted cultural programs that prevent us from achieving it. Keeping our hearts open to love, remaining vulnerable, is our greatest task. We started out open and had every intention of harnessing love and putting it into life. But most of us, in a moment of intimacy or trauma, got hurt or felt betrayed. We felt a pain in our heart and our heart began to recoil. It just happened. We are all a bit love disabled, veterans of an invisible war we did not know we were in. Too much of our life is lost to safeguarding, calculating, planning, projecting, searching, or waiting for love. And then death arrives.<br /><br />When you lose someone important to you, or realize that your own death is impending, you may understand that your life has been a dream, a play that you have written and produced. All the things you made important were not important after all. What you thought was reality was a dream. In the face of death you realize that the pleasures of the material world felt good but they did not assure love. At that magic moment, you recognize that a you will not be remembered for how much wealth you have accumulated, how many sexual encounters you have had, how much you have accomplished, how much you have pleased others, but how much love you have put into life. Surrendering, your heart opens. Facing death you lay down your arms and discover that love is in you, around you, above you and below you. You remember.</span><br />
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<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;">Excerpts from newly released <em><strong>Love’s Way: The Union of Body, Ego, Soul and Spirit</strong></em>, by Dr. Brenda Schaeffer, Hazelden, Center City, MN, 2001. This and her best seller, <em><strong>Is It Love or Is It Addiction?</strong></em>, are available at your local bookstore, http://www.loveandaddiction.com or by calling1-888-987-6129. Brenda Schaeffer, D.Min., licensed psychologist, author and certified addiction specialist, is an experienced therapist, teacher and international speaker. She has a private practice in Eden Prairie, MN. She can be reached by calling 952-903-9215 or via email: brenda@loveaddiction.com.</span>Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8779381456863526591.post-70092564705612158082012-02-04T20:49:00.000-06:002012-02-06T20:50:04.378-06:00Quizzes<br />
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<span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;">Here are four questionnaires to test whether it is love or addiction.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td width="1%"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><img height="26" src="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/images/icon_quiz.gif" width="25" /></span></td><td nowrap="" valign="middle" width="99%"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_1.htm" style="color: black; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline;">Love Addiction Questionnaire</a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td width="1%"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><img height="26" src="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/images/icon_quiz.gif" width="25" /></span></td><td nowrap="" valign="middle" width="99%"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_3.htm" style="color: black; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline;">Romance Addiction Questionnaire</a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td width="1%"><img height="26" src="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/images/icon_quiz.gif" width="25" /></td><td nowrap="" valign="middle" width="99%"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_4.htm" style="color: black; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline;">Sexual Addiction Questionnaire</a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td width="1%"><img height="26" src="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/images/icon_quiz.gif" width="25" /></td><td nowrap="" valign="middle" width="99%"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><a href="http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_2.htm" style="color: black; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline;">Relationship Assessment – Test Yourself</a></span></td></tr>
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<span class="font6sm" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;"><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"><br /><br />Among the questions asked are:</span></span><span class="font6" style="color: #cc3333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; text-align: left;"></span><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;"></span><br />
<ul><span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;">
<li>Has your personal growth stopped? Love-addiction concentrates so much energy on a relationship, sex or romance, that there's little left for individual growth. </li>
<li>Is there a lot of "poor me" or "let me do it for you" going on? Addictive lovers play psychological games, becoming the victim, rescuer, or persecutor. </li>
<li>Have you fallen into the "if only" syndrome? "If only he would stay home"; "if only he were more sensitive"; "if only she weren't frigid". Addictive lovers have a never-ending list of "if onlys" in a never-ending attempt to find solutions outside of themselves.</li>
<li>Do you feel abandoned when your lover is away? Addictive lovers have a hard time with routine separations.</li>
<li>Do you say "yes" when you want to say "no"? </li>
<li>Are you into power plays? Do you try to "get even"? Are you better at giving advice than accepting it? Addictive lovers are into power and control often feeling that being "one-up" is better than being "one-down".</li>
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<span class="font2" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: left;">
If you answer "yes" to any of the above questions you may have a problem. Is there a way out? Yes, and it takes time, commitment, support and hard work. And, it can also be fun! To focus on oneself through a guided program of self discovery like the one in my book, is incredibly exciting. The rewards? An awareness of what healthy love is and how to achieve it.</span> </div>
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<br />Brenda Schaefferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845706646196527471noreply@blogger.com0