Did you ever find yourself saying or doing something
you promised yourself as a kid that you would never say or do when you grew up
because you did not like what you heard or saw?
You are not alone. Most everyone
I meet admits to it. People often find themselves out of the character they
hoped to become—a loving person. Why is
this so? The answer is both psychological and biological.
When we were children we did not have strong
boundaries. Those developed only gradually
and in the meantime we absorbed words and actions into our psyche which of
course is housed in a body that is filled with memories and impressions. If your role-model dealt with stress by
having another drink or striking out in anger that is the nonverbal ‘how to’
lying quietly, and unconsciously I might add, in your psyche. Thus, in a similar situation you are apt to
do what was modeled.
Here is an example.
Rachel, at heart a loving person, came into therapy with
depression. She disliked how she reacted
to her husband and children with criticism and anger when she was under stress.
Then, laden with guilt, she would use alcohol to self medicate. When I asked
her how her dad would handle the same problem she answered with “He did have
the same problem and he became an alcoholic and lashed out at his kids and wife.” When I asked her how her mother might solve
the problem if she had it, she answered:
“She would get critical, withdraw and get depressed.” It was not a coincidence that Rachel was spinning
her wheels in her relationships and gravitating towards addiction and a deeper
depression. An ‘aha’ moment came to her. “I
get it. I took myself as far as I could go. I did what I saw and heard. I am in therapy to learn healthier solutions
to deal with life and relationship stress.”
Here are things a person can do.
1.
Think of a relationship problem that keeps you stuck
or frustrated.
2.
Answer honestly:
a.
If your mother had this same problem how might she
solve it? b. If your father had this same problem how might he solve it.
c. Are their solutions healthy?
d. If unhealthy, did you follow in their footsteps?
4. If you followed in someone’s unhealthy footsteps, forgive yourself as it is what you knew.
5. Find healthier role models or create your own.