Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Love Avoidant


The Love Addict seeks enmeshment with the love object but the Love Avoidant avoids being vulnerable to the love object.  They are flip sides of the same coin and highly attracted to each other.  The love avoidant has many unmet needs and does not recognize needs until the love object moves away.  They then feel desperate and do things to get the love addict back.

Characteristics of the Love Avoidant

1.  HAVE A PREDICTABLE CYCLE:  COME CLOSE/GO AWAY  
  • Find needy people
  • Are excited and seductive on the front side
  • Get high from being adored or needed
  • Feel overwhelmed and controlled by the neediness 
  • Begin to move away
  • Feel guilt
  • Unconsciously feel needy
  • Go back or find a new exciting relationship or activity
2. USE DISTANCING TECHNIQUES
  • Anger
  • putting up a wall
  • silence or not responding
  • false maturity
  • looking for faults of others
  • control and power play tactics

3. AVOID BEING KNOWN

  • Keep things pleasant
  • Not have needs
  • Not say what upsets them
  • Keeping busy when partner is present
  • Keeping conversations light or minimal
  • Avoid situations that might be conducive to emotional intimacy

4.  LOOK FOR INTENSITY OUTSIDE OF THE RELATIONSHIP

  • Addictions
  • Power
  • Money
  • Work
  • Over-involvement in activities/hobbies
  • Drama

5.  AVOID INTIMACY/FEAR ABANDONMENT

6.  WORK TO KEEP THE STATUS QUO

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