Compulsive love is not unlike compulsive gambling. A notable highlight of a gambling addiction
is what is called intermittent reinforcement.
There are several ways to support the continuation of a certain
behavior. We can positively reinforce a
behavior by continuously acknowledging it.
For example, when a child gets a good grade, he gets praise. We can also reinforce a negative behavior by
consistently giving it attention.
Receiving attention only when you do something wrong, actually
encourages that behavior. Or, we can
limit a behavior by giving it a negative consequence. A "friends are off limits on Friday
nights if grades go down,” is an example.
If you change the way you stroke behaviors, the behaviors can be changed
somewhat readily.
The most challenging reinforcement of a behavior is intermittent. You never know when you will be rewarded or
punished. In gambling, for instance, you
might play for an hour and not win anything.
Then just as you play the last quarter, you get ten more. Now you are likely to stay and see if you can
win again. This is true of highly
addictive romantic relationships. You
may put in more than you receive and, just as you are about to end the
relationship, you are given just enough for you to feel hopeful about the
possibility. Thus you stay.
Trent’s
Story
He told me he had a serious love addiction
problem. He had given up on a dull
thirteen year marriage to begin a search for love. He could not imagine his life without
achieving it. He met Cassie, fell deeply
in love both romantically and sexually.
The problem seemed that she both wanted to be in and out of the
relationship and continued to give him “come close, go away” messages. He moved in with her and then was asked to
move out. He would be about ready to
face the pain of an ending and she would call and want to see him. He could not refuse in that she had become
the center of his universe. On one day he would know she was not able to meet
his needs and the next day he was the center of her world. As this intermittent reward pattern continued
he began to feel an internal desperation for her approval and felt more hooked
into the possibility that eventually she would want him all of the time. The
good times seemed to negate the bad times.
His emotions and his health were teetering
in response to her actions. It was as
though he had only one leg to his table—Cassie— and if it was not there he
would collapse. I encouraged him to
build a four legged table and that all of the legs be his. He needed to establish consistent reward
systems in many places, look for love internally, and even more important, heal
from a childhood that gave him a clear message that he was unwanted and
unlovable. Until he did so he would be
vulnerable to Cassie’s inability to know what she wanted and remain in
despair. He too, had a come close, go
away pattern to deal with. He did not
choose her by accident.
We cannot change others no matter how much
we love them. We can invite a partner to change through changing our self. That
is what Trent had to do. So what are the four legs of the table Trent had to
work on to stop empowering Cassie?
1. Find a
healthy support group such as LAA or SLAA 12 step group or form his own if he
couldn’t find one. He could not do this
alone.
2. Change
his thinking. Look at ways he
rationalized or defended staying or not confronting negative patterns or
beliefs about himself. Learn about compulsive or addictive love through reading.
3. Get
back into spiritual integrity. Compulsive
or addictive love pulled him out of balance and personal integrity. He had made Cassie his God.
4. Work
through the psychodynamic or trauma that kept him replaying the same
relationship patterns over and over.
If the intermittent
reinforcement continues to pull at a person then it is time to let go of the
relationship and letting go of someone we want to love and love us back is one
of the most difficult tasks we encounter. But with the above in place it is
possible.
From Is It Love or Is It Addictions -3rd edition
From Is It Love or Is It Addictions -3rd edition