One of the messages I convey in my book Is It Love or Is It Addiction? is that a major reason we need to
take seriously this relationship disorder—love addiction-- is because it can be
lethal. I don’t know what you have been
watching on the news where you live, but on the local news in my area we have a
number of pending cases where a break up proved deadly. One father, distraught over his wife’s
leaving him, killed their three daughters.
In another case being investigated, a husband is accused of murdering
his young wife because she was asking for a divorce and her body is yet to be
found. I guess the message is don’t you
even think about leaving me.
Homicide and suicide are not uncommon events in third degree
love addiction. Third degree means in
the end someone winds up in prison or in a morgue. Less lethal third degree is doing something
crazy such as stalking a person. Domestic abuse falls in this category too. Of course, love addiction is not about love at
all. Psychologically it is about control and ownership; about self medicating
low esteem, depression, anxiety, fear and a myriad of other inflictions, by
becoming enmeshed with another person. It
is about getting unmet needs fulfilled and trying to fix something broken
inside. And of course this unhealthy
dependency on another is not in our conscious awareness.
There is no question
that an ending of a relationship is downright painful. You don’t need to be pathological to feel the
pain of letting go and even doing dumb things when an ending does happen . It is normal for a person to initially want to
hang onto someone when they leave or threaten to leave you. And if clinging doesn’t work, you get mad at
the person. Those two responses are
instinctive, actually. Research shows
that animals do the same thing. Most animal infants
form a passionate attachment to their primary caregiver, usually their mother. When separated from the caregiver, the infant
becomes anxious and then depressed. Biologically, this makes perfect sense— in the
wild, an infant animal is vulnerable and could easily become food for a
predator or die of hunger. And human
infants couldn’t make it without a caretaker.
Yet we adult humans don’t need another to survive and act as if we do.
But why is it some can
get through the grief without causing harm to self or to others and some do
harm? Although humans have sophisticated mechanisms to
control impulses, we also carry within us a ‘fatal
reflex’. A normal person may want to
cling or get mad at someone who leaves them but has the ability to control
those impulses and grieve the loss. Those
who harm, let the fatal reflex take over. The obsessed person goes on a primal
hunt in their mind or in reality. He/she
wants to know what the lost person is up to, where they are going, and if there
is anyone else in the person’s life. Obsessing
about the one who has left them intensifies the pain of rejection, sexual
desire, territoriality, aggression, jealousy and a need to control. And if what
they discover is not to their liking and they cannot stop it, fatality occurs.
What are your thoughts?
Thanks for highlighting the dangerous behavior and sometimes tragic consequences of love addiction. For me, love addiction cuts close to the core of who I am. Unlike alcohol, drugs or even food, love needs are an intrinsic part of my basic spiritual, social, and psychological developmental needs. Love nourishes my natural desire for security, belonging, and significance. An obsessed person who resorts to physical violence during a separation may be experiencing a trauma of neglect or abuse from the first few years of their lives. This has been the case for me. In my experience, it has taken a lot of grief and shame work to recover the ability to let go of unhealthy romantic relationships without resorting to physical, emotional, or verbal abuse.
ReplyDeleteMy beautiful daughter was a victim of this. She committed suicide over someone. I didn't realize till it was to late how this relationship she was in was affecting her. I wish I would have gotten her in to see you. I believe she would still be here right now if I had. She could see she was not alone and gotten support from those of us who have and are walking a similar path. That it's possible to gain strength and self worth and make better choices that are in our best interest instead of giving away our power and being manipulated by others.
ReplyDeleteThis is highly valuable insight and information. For the person who recognizes that what they feel is truly an addiction and gets professional help, perhaps they could disconnect that 'fatal reflex' and avoid horrific consequences. And for a person who is in a relationship with someone that is addictive but feels the need to end that relationship, this knowledge can help to prepare and arm them for the potential results of breaking up. Extricating oneself from a relationship like this can be very difficult.
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